I want to hold your hand, but …

(Here’s another excerpt from my upcoming new book, Forgiveness: The Key to Happiness :))

“Our Love awaits us as we go to Him, and walks beside us showing us the way. He fails in nothing. He the End we seek, and he the Means by which we go to Him.” (A Course in Miracles workbook lesson 302, from paragraph 2)

When I was a kid, our road-trip vacations inevitably began with my mother–staring straight ahead, shoulders hugging her ears–saying something like this, in a flat voice, about ten minutes into the drive: “Do you know if I left the iron on?”

Followed by my father, replying with something like this: “Jesus Christ!” in a voice, not so flat, before peeling off in the other direction with a squeal and jerk that left my brother and I gripping the backseat door handles for balance on our opposite sides of an imaginary, yet heartily defended, demilitarized zone. Wise enough to zip our ever-flapping lips as my parents returned to the scene of the possible crime to ensure one or the other’s carelessness did not inadvertently seal our family’s ever-wobbly fate.

“Did you lock the door? Did you put the cat in? Did I turn off the stove, close the windows–take the God-damn laundry off the line?” By the time I made it to junior high, I no longer so much as glanced up from whatever book I was deep into as my parents dutifully repeated the lines of their script, responding to the magnetic pull of a distracted lifestyle here in the dream by performing this little obsessive-compulsive ritual I now considered normal, along with all the other neurotic behaviors I’d observed over the years in others and myself.

I bring this up because I’ve been once more noticing these sorts of rituals in myself and—with help from our new inner teacher—at least seeing them as they are, as the Course puts it, and not the way I set them up. As detours back into the dream of separate selves vying for survival in a harsh environment designed to keep me away from the decision-making mind and the outstretched hand of said inner teacher ever willing, ready, and able to lead me back to the only home I really want to return to. As mindless wanderings back onto the battlefield in a futile attempt to right wrongs that can never be righted. Attend to ever-morphing, nonsensical situations that appear to demand my full attention to defend against eternal, all-inclusive abstract love. A love I crave, but am not yet certain I trust not to turn on me for the defection from its metaphorical arms I secretly accuse myself of, and therefore feel obsessively compelled to flee again and again.

Ironically, the more I work with this Course, the more aware I become of my compulsion to trade the realm of the decision-making mind where the choice for true comfort abides for the body’s bogus refuge. The more committed I become to healing my mind through the process of catching myself attributing my unsettled inner state to external circumstances, the more I witness this seemingly involuntary urge to bolt. The more I recognize I have chosen the ego as my teacher and choose again to look through the lens of the part of my mind that truly sees only the oneness joined as one of our true nature, the more aware I conversely become of the many excuses I cook up to justify dropping the hand of the only teacher I really want. Jesus Christ!

And yet, the more I work with this Course, the more vital the character of a non-dualistic Jesus as my guide home becomes. Maybe it’s my reaction to my Catholic upbringing that is being healed through practicing forgiveness, along with all the other outside forces I believe have bullied or thwarted this personal me over the years. Honestly, I didn’t realize the extent to which I had turned my back on the figure of Jesus long before I left the church as a teenager until I started confronting my resistance to the Course’s use of this character to symbolize our inner teacher. But fairly early on in my study, and much to my surprise, I experienced a kind of inner vision of Jesus standing at the base of a trail on a bald, rocky hill; hand extended, and somehow knew this was not my grandmother’s savior.  No trace of the biblical story of sin, guilt, fear and specialness clung to his robes. Somehow I knew I could trust him completely to help me find the unwavering love that seemed to have gone so horribly missing within.

And so I took his hand, gazed into those completely accepting eyes, and burst into tears. I leaned my head on his shoulder. I started to walk up that hill with him but then, you know, there were so many things I needed to take care of “down here” first. And so I ran away again. I continue to meet him on that trail, take his hand, walk a few right-minded steps with him, suddenly wonder aloud if I left the oven on, and charge back into the dream.

Unlike my bodily father, though, he only smiles and waits as I race back down the hill, promising to come right back. Smiles and waits as I exhaust another possibility that solutions to a seemingly inexhaustible set of personal problems can ever be found where the problems never existed. Until I once more return to this trail back in the mind, again willing to take a few more steps with him, hand in hand.

I see him standing there more and more these days in my mind’s eye, patiently waiting for me on that trail home, and am just beginning to forgive myself for this constant racing back and forth from mind to body, body to mind. Somehow I know that one day I will have exhausted all the nothings back down in that dreaded valley of separate interests and, fear finally worn away, be ready to take his hand once and for all and steadily climb.

Until then, he gently reminds me salvation is inevitable by saying something like this:

“I am so close to you we cannot fail.” (A Course in Miracles workbook, Part II, Introduction, from paragraph 6)

And I reply with something like this: “Are you freaking kidding me?”

“We cannot fail,” he repeats.

But he must be mumbling again. “Speak up,” I say.

He shakes his head, and smiles more broadly. “We cannot fail. The end is sure.”

Jesus Christ! I think, sighing, and reply with something like this: “Just wait here one more minute, OK? I think I might have left the front door unlocked.”

And he responds; bless his ever-beating heart, with something like this:

“… The Holy Spirit has one direction for all minds, and the one He taught me is yours. Let us not lose sight of His direction through illusions, for only illusions of another direction can obscure the one for which God’s Voice speaks in all of us. Never accord the ego the power to interfere with the journey. It has none, because the journey is the way to what is true. Leave all illusions behind, and reach beyond all attempts of the ego to hold you back. I go before you because I am beyond the ego. Reach, therefore, for my hand because you want to transcend the ego. My strength will never be wanting, and if you choose to share it you will do so. I give it willingly and gladly, because I need you as much as you need me.” (A Course in Miracles, chapter 8, V. paragraph 6)

HOLIDAY GIFT: My most recent essay collection, Forgiveness Offers Everything I Want, about learning to live a forgiving life and remembering to smile, is on sale for the holidays on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Forgiveness-Offers-Everything-I-Want/dp/0983742014

ANOTHER HOLIDAY GIFT: Schedule a HALF-HOUR, FORTY-FIVE MINUTE, OR HOUR-LONG ACIM MENTORING SESSION in November or December 2014 and get a second one free! https://www.foraysinforgiveness.com/personal-coaching Although A Course in Miracles is clearly a self-study program and the one relationship we are truly cultivating is with our eternally sane and loving right mind, mentoring can help remind Course students having trouble applying its unique forgiveness in the classroom of their lives that the problem and the solution never lie in the difficult relationship, situation, behavior, health issue, etc., but in the decision-making mind. In every circumstance, without exception, we can choose to experience inner peace and kindness toward all, unaffected by the seemingly random strife of a world designed to prove otherwise. By choosing to look at our lives as a classroom in which we bring all our painful illusions to the inner teacher of forgiveness who knows only our shared innocence beyond all its deceptive disguises, we learn to identify and transcend the ego’s resistance, hold others and even ourselves harmless, and gently allow our split mind to heal. Sessions are conducted via traditional phone or Skype (your choice). Please contact me to find out if mentoring is right for you before submitting a payment. (No one is ever turned away for lack of ability to pay!)

EXCITING NEWS FROM THE FOUNDATION FOR A COURSE IN MIRACLES!:

The Foundation is very pleased to announce the publication of Dr. Kenneth Wapnick’s long-awaited Journey through the Text of A Course in Miracles. As stated in the Preface, “…unlike the books on the workbook, manual for teachers, and “What It Says,” this book is not a line-by-line exegesis of the entire text. Rather, the material of each of the text’s thirty-one chapters is arranged symphonically by theme, the selected passages chosen to illustrate each theme.”

We are also offering a 40% off sale on thirteen English language printed books by Kenneth, which you can view here. Just look for the SALE sticker.

The Foundation for A Course in Miracles continues to offer illuminating classes taught by a talented, devoted, truly inspiring staff who shine with the light of living this work! I was so deeply moved and inspired by their presentations at the July and March academies I attended, and can’t wait to return next year for more! Check out all their current offerings including the Winter 2015 schedule here:  http://www.facim.org/temecula-schedule.aspx

You’ll also find new releases from the Foundation’s bookstore here: https://www.facim.org/bookstore/t-latestreleases.aspx, the online bookstore here: https://www.facim.org/bookstore/, online learning aids here: https://www.facim.org/online-learning-aids.aspx, and questions on just about any topic Course students could dream up sanely, lovingly, and eloquently answered here: https://www.facim.org/online-learning-aids/question-answer.aspx

I’m honored to be presenting a workshop at the invitation of Jim Peterson in Portland, Oregon, in March 2015. The subject is close to my heart and A Course in Miracles forgiveness practice: “The Parent-Child Relationship: Transcending Guilt Blame and Need.” To find out more and register, please go to Jim’s site: http://www.alchemical-transformation-guidance.com/SusanDuganWorkshop2014.html  and/or check out my Classes/Events page:

Here’s a link to details about my ongoing Tuesday night class on the text here in Denver https://www.foraysinforgiveness.com/classes-events beginning in May 2014. Join us if you can!

Check out recent videos on living a forgiving life here: https://www.foraysinforgiveness.com/videos

My good friend and fellow Course student and teacher Bruce Rawles, author of The Geometry Code http://www.amazon.com/Geometry-Code-Universal-Reminders-Separation/dp/0965640574/ref=la_B003ZZVZVK_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1411567229&sr=1-1, frequently invites me to chat with him on YouTube about the Course and Ken Wapnick’s teachings. He continues to compile lots of great ACIM information well worth checking out at http://www.acimblog.com/

My good friend and gifted A Course in Miracles teacher and writer Bernard Groom has been posting beautifully written, heartfelt essays about living A Course in Miracles for years at http://www.acimvillage.com/. I found his recent, kindly right-minded contemplations there on the death of our beloved teacher Ken Wapnick deeply comforting! Bernard lives and teaches in France with his dear wife Patricia. You’ll find a wealth of information in French on his website http://uncoursenmiraclesenfrance.com/ including recorded talks available for purchase or free download: http://uncoursenmiraclesenfrance.com/audio/.

My dear friend and wonderful teacher Lyn Corona continues to offer classes at the Rocky Mountain Miracle Center through her School of Reason for Course students and teachers. You can subscribe to her website http://www.schoolofreason.org/ to receive information about upcoming classes.

My latest book, Forgiveness Offers Everything I Want is available on Amazon in both paperback and kindle versions. If you read and find the book helpful, I would so appreciate you posting a brief (a sentence or two is fine) review on Amazon. 🙂

Forgiveness Offers Everything I Want, and my previous book, Extraordinary Ordinary Forgiveness, are now also available from the ACIM Store: http://www.acimstore.com/default.asp.